The following was recovered from the bathroom floor at a recent autoworkers rally in Flint, Michagan where Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum was speaking.

“Under Mr. Obama’s stewardship American is becoming a place where white people can no longer earn as much money as possible and have as many Christian babies as they can without ignoring their effects on the environment or the other humans with whom they share this country and this world. That’s state imposed secular tyranny, ladies and gentlement.

The age old freedoms are under attack. By requiring religious affiliated institutions to pay for birth control for the janitors, teachers and secretaries that work for them, Premiere Obama seeks to take away the cherished right of Christians to vocally, publically and in a tax-free manner condemn the myriad depravities of homosexuals, interracial couples and compulsive fornicators.

The President also wants to deny you your sacred right to not get health insurance. Imagine that. In American it’s now illegal to rely on Divine Providence as the only guardian of your physical well-being that you’ll ever need.

Our liberal, socialist so-called President wants to control your lives by policies that have their roots not in the Bible but in some pseudo-scientific abstraction he refers to as “facts.” Can you imagine anything more un-American? Never mind what gut intuition and sacred scripture have to say on the matter, human beings evolved from lower animals. How is he so sure? Because “scientists” have conducted “research” to test their “hypotheses.”

The same goes for the myth of global warming. Just because “evidence” seems to suggest that human beings may have created an excess of carbon that might be heating the world up to levels that could throw ecosystems out of balance, we’re supposed to give up our sacred right to drill for oil. Have you ever heard such a load of bunk? Ladies and gentlement, the world has been around for 4000 years and will be around for at least 200-300 more. Sure, sometimes it gets hotter and sometimes it gets colder but a little thing like releasing coal smoke and car exhaust into the atmosphere is supposed to make everything go to hell.

I don’t know about you but I’m not willing to jeopardize the health of this economy for the next two or three fiscal quarters just to potentially safeguard this planet for centuries. President Bush said it best, in history we’ll all be dead. I’m an American: biodiversity is not my problem and even if these commies turn out to be right, I’m squared up with the Lord, let the end times come!”

Pause for audience reaction.